sixty-five.

and last night i really needed someone and i had no idea who to turn to.

settle.

i can see the snow from my bedroom window. and it’s settleing. and god it’s making me so happy. and i have six boxes ready in front of me. and then london tomorrow. and i don’t mind that it’s cold. it’s fantastic.

frost.

my eyes are so fucking dry. more dry than before. what the hell i bought new contact lenses. yet they’re worse now.

he made me wear his coat tonight. and that was nice. and it was good to see him. and it was really cold out. and it’s meant to snow tomorrow.

and i hate how fucking loud she has to put the tv. i tell her to turn it down and she says i’m getting above myself again. and she’s left the door open. and it’s really bloody cold.

and i was so fucked off that she quoted that song. that it’s my favourite song right now and she quoted it. we don’t even speak. and it feels like something of mine has been taken away again. and that’s stupid as i never told her it was my favourite. but it just seems like it’s been done to spite me. and i hate that everything reminds me of her. that every little thing i can make a joke about with her. and i fucking hate myself that i want to ring her evry so often and just tell her about some of the things that i know would make her laugh. i hate the fact that we ignore each other as if we both have never met. but i smile at strangers but i can’t bring myself to smile at her.  and i fucking hate that i feel so deeply connected to her. that even with out thinking or speaking it’s still there. the other day i had a song in my head all day. two days in a row. just one line. i log on her page and there it is. surrounded by photos of bones and black and white. it’s there. that line. and it struck me dumb. that with out even speaking to her. the both of us were had by the same line. it hadn’t even been on the radio. it came on my shuffle. after i looked up those lyrics he sent me and it happened to be on the same page. and i thought that was weird. and the next day it’s there. and it’s still fucking connecting us. it’s still fucking there. and i want to tear it out of me. and i want to fucking hate you. and i do fucking hate you. but i love you at the same time. and i fucking hate myself for that.

seventy-six.

so i’m on the bus into town. i have a pink ribbon in my hair. blue skirt on. grey scarf. and i can’t stop crying. and the old people near me keep looking but i can’t stop and i’m ignoring them. and it’s a woman driver today. and she says she’s given up on me. that she never cared to begin with. and he told me to just go. spoke with his head in his hands. told me he’d deal with her because he knows i can’t. and the tears are slowly stopping but my face is getting tighter. and all the tell tell signs are there. but i left the house before i could do any harm. and she said i was evil. and the more she says it, the more i doubt how much good i have in me. maybe i am evil. maybe i want to believe it. maybe i want a reason why she hates me so much. why she wants to hurt me. and now i want to hurt myself. but i’m on a bus. and my head is spinning. and i don’t think i can deal with college. but i might go in and sign out again. i feel so awful and i just want a hug and for someone to tell me they care. and i feel selfish. but right now i’m struggling to fight for myself let alone any one else. and i almost told him everything last night. and secrets i finally can tell. but not until we’re face to face. and i need to let myself go and i just need to deal with it. i just need to deal with myself.

starfish.

i have foul tasting tea and now it’s going cold. i’m about to go on poolside but i don’t mind as it’s warm there.