bug.

i can’t stop crying. and i don’t like these jeans. and she’s banned me from dinner. and i want to change the film over.

fuel.

i kept it all in this week. from monday to friday i stayed blank. kept it all in. told myself it didn’t matter. pretended i don’t care. that i’m able to cut everything off. and i decided that i need to stop caring. and putting myself into people. if i shut people out then it can’t hurt. they can’t hurt. so from now on i’m going to shut myself off from nearly everyone. and only rely on myself. and then the only one to blame really will be me.

paperback.

it’s like that feeling when you only turn one of the taps off at a time when getting out of the shower. you’re not sure if it’s hot or cold. whether you’ve burnt your skin or not. all you know is that it’s a sudden change. and your skin is stinging. and you can’t work it out. it’s one extreme or another. and i feel exactly like that now. i’m shocked and confused. i can’t work out if this is good or bad. whether i’m hurt or not. isn’t it funny, that not even you can always tell when you’re upset? and if you do know you are, it’s not always over something you can pin down. i don’t know if i care. or if it matters to me. and if it changes anything at all. or makes the world of difference.

and right now i feel regret. i’m sat cross legged in pyjama bottoms and a bra. and my hair is up in a towel turban. i only have one bracelet on. as it’s all i need. and i wish i hadn’t agreed to this. i have never been nervous about meeting him before. and all i want to do is cancel. but i don’t think i can, as it’s just putting the problem off. and i know i can’t do that. but i’m scared. and i don’t do scared. i’m happy or angry. crying or quiet. confident or intimidated. not scared. and i don’t like him making me feel like this. so i keep imagining worst case scenarios.
i think i’m scared of finding out that i’m indifferent. for me that’s the worst. i’ll find out i don’t care. and i’ll feel ruined.

i need to see you more next week. it’s a need girl. it’s great and wonderful we can work around others but sometimes you just need to sit, and just stay sitting, when no one else is around.

i feel like i’m burning. but i’m shivering at the same time.

and when our eyes meet, all that I can read, is “you’re the b-side”

frame.

as i turn to you and i say, thank goodness for the good souls, that make life better. as i turn to you and i say, if it wasn’t for the good souls, life would not matter.

thank you for being such a good soul.

iron.

i feel sick. from my head to my feet ill. i can’t stop sneezing and my head is spinning. and they’ve put me on the sofa with a blanket and the dog. and i can’t get the taste of scones out of my mouth. and they’ve told me to wait up and i just want to go back to bed.