letting me in at eight in the morning and giving me somewhere to stay. tying friendship bracelets in bed. sitting under covers watching episode after episode eating biscuits and drinking tea. cuddles from behind whilst doing the washing up. breakfasts in town and lunch off laps. nights out and days in. fantasy football and absolute zero.

come here, stay with me, stroke me by the hair. ’cause i would give anything, anything, to have you as my man.

I don’t want to have another. I want everything to be like today. it’s been so long and I haven’t changed my mind. that isn’t like me, this is different. and I’m on tenterhooks to make this last.

I’ve never watched a football match for someone before.

i’m so terribly lonely.

you’ve made things worse. made me think. made me hurt.

stay away, keep it that way. i’m not in the mood for feeling shit. i’d love to say how much how i hate you, but i’m not in the mood for saying it.

i want to be wrapped up. softly to sleep. warmth and leg wraps.

sit down, take off your shoes, not if you don’t want to. can i get you anything? that’s cool, i can’t be fucked anyway. can i get you anything? yeah a drink, but i think you know what i mean.

so i’m laying on the sofa. blanket and socks. watching card tricks and envelopes.

why do you do this to me?

i’m pathetic.

now i’ve been walking down the shortcuts, and the alleys in the dark, because i’m not scared of the shadows. they’re no blacker than my heart.

these things rattle round my head. if he hasn’t blown the whistle, then it isn’t quite the end.

and now I know that I can be this way. and now I know that I can walk away.

I’m so close to dropping out. two days. should I? I don’t fucking know.

I just wish I knew the truth, as to why, I wait for you, longer than the average person would. and why, I think about you, more than I think one should.

I feel guilt and I probably shouldn’t have done that. I know I shouldn’t. but it had been so long. and I needed it. needed to feel something.

you have scars on your face from where he left you, your blue eyes still aren’t dry.

I don’t know what to do anymore.

after I posted that, he came home. an hour or so afterwards and he got into bed with me and we talked till seven in the morning. till words no longer made sense and tiredness set in. I like him more than I ever thought possible. I’ve seen him everyday since, more so through accidents than plans. but tonight she was there and rumours made me feel sick. it wasn’t till she left that you even spoke to me. do you realise how you make me feel?

‘do you think I’ve intentionally cut you out? I haven’t.’

‘don’t let your parents define you.’

‘you seem closer than you were.’

take him by the neck, throw him to the stars.

I need you here. I need your arms. I need you to care. I need you to want. I need you to be certain. I need you.

I never needed anyone.

come back, please?

is it really not there?

I could’ve kissed him today. films and card games. but it wouldn’t have been right, it would have felt like a betrayal. yet my mind keeps going back to that night. the night on the sofa with another too close to determine what was going on. and instead of confronting it, I walked outside and smoked to clear my head. did something you hate to spite you.

you could’ve said happy birthday.

I feel sick and I wish I had cigarettes. I wish I could go out tonight. I wish I’d written here in months to at least document the way my feelings for you have changed so completely.

you were the one I regretted.

I guess I still do.

if it all ended now, I still don’t know if it would hurt me as much as the others have. is that terrible?

this is the worst thing that’s happened to me, I guess worse things happen at sea.

the feeling of the night warmth and the smell of the wet grass. the lack of wind and calmness of the dark. to sit outside, jumpered up, cigarette and tea. to camp outside, socks and hats and friends around you. to sit on your roof.

you see stars that clear have been dead for years but the idea just lives on .

i’m running out of words to say.

now i can walk the stones of your shoreline and taste the ocean’s salt when the cold shines. my words are rolling soft down your south side, oh you won’t hide.

i’m excited to see you, nervous and excited. i think i do, i really think i do, time will tell. but you say you miss me when i’m away, and it feels like i missed you too.

but now the past is gone, and now I’m messed up beyond any thought or small belief. this fate is choking me, like icy water from the depths of that barrier reef.

my enemy please stay close to me, i’ve no breath left, you cold breath thief.

she’s not here. i never thought i’d miss her. i always thought that this would be it, i’d leave and never come back. i want her here. i want to be able to cuddle her without fear of hurting her. without this little frail woman beneath me. it’s four years ago all over again.

’cause there’s no comfort in the waiting room, just nervous paces bracing for bad news. then the nurse comes around and everyone lifts their head, but i’m thinking of what sarah said; that love is watching someone die.

she had a funny turn tonight. her heart hurt and she’s hooked up to machines. i’m scared and i have to be strong around them.

and if i use these things to distract myself, get myself out of my head, forget who i am for a while, try to cope.

i could cry right now. it’s been so long since i last typed here, when my main concern was him, and my lips have brushed with others since then, some i wish to forget and some i wish to keep, and yet still i can’t bring myself to be around him. my head hurts and my eyes are watering yet nothing. there’s no stability any more. no love. no hope.

and half the time i think nobody cares. no one needs you till they’re breaking down themselves. then the other half i’m so thankful for all these people around me. the ones that brighten your mood when you’re down, to stroke your hair when you need them to, without asking, willing and always there.

and though it kills me to know, that when we are through, you go to your real lover, who’ll put real kisses on you.

and i know i shouldn’t be bothered. and i know that i shouldn’t be attached. but i am. it was the closeness i desired and you filled the empty spot which i needed. and now i can’t get my head away. when i should, i really should. i’ve hurt you before, and i’ll do it again.

and now i’m crying, wanting you here to hug me to sleep.

but i’ll kiss my lips and i’ll blow it to you, it’ll be the last thing that i ever do.